When Tim and I got together, we had one friend in Los
Angeles with a child. One. And now, everything is coming up babies. It seems like on an almost weekly basis people we know are suddenly shopping for ridiculously overpriced baby gear. Previously ecstatic-to- not-have-procreated couples are (seemingly overnight! how did it happen so dang fast?) welcoming a new little bug into the
world. Even our staunchly single friends are slowly but surely pairing off and
taking baby steps towards domesticity. And for those friends I simply say, "it's a slipperty slope ya'll." Just ask Jessica Simpson. Or me! But it does make an old girl think.
When my sister had two kids (she now has four), I remember an interesting conversation I had with her. The general jist was that she couldn’t stop at just two babies. When I asked her why not, she simply said “I just don’t feel like our family is complete.” To be honest, at the time I had no idea what she was talking about. Having one child was as alien and terrifying to me as any Ridley Scott creation. But now I get it. All too well.
When I look at Townes and Daisy I’m usually just overcome with feelings of “how did we ever manage to get so lucky?” At those times, I tell my usually not superstitious self to not tempt fate. We have two amazing children. We are blessed.
But then sometimes, a creeping little question worms its way into my consciousness. And it is my sister’s very question: “Is our family complete?” and I don’t know what to answer that stupid voice. The sane part of me says, “Hell yeah, lady. This family is C.O.M.P.L.E.T.E. Put a fork in it.” The fog of baby is starting to lift. Those really hard months with next to no sleep are beginning their retreat into memory. Pretty soon you won’t remember it at all! Won’t that be awesome? Is that even possible? Getting a solid six hours of sleep again? On a regular basis? I've come to believe, completely without irony, that I could legitimately hang with any political prisoner in virtually any prison in the world. Insensitive? Of course. Idiotic? Perhaps. But if you haven't been TRULY sleep deprived for months at a time, I can only assume you have not been locked up for your political leanings OR you have not been a new parent. Childless people fear losing their freedom if they were to have kids. Forget your freedom. You will lose the luxury of sleep. All of this leads me to say, just put the baby clothes away, Shannon and move on.
But I do want the answer to that nagging question. I wish it was crystal clear. I certainly don’t have the next ten to fifteen years to figure it out. I'm an older mom. I'm not Halle Berry old, but if we were going to expand this family we really only have a year or two at best to (in my own mind) safely make it happen. But the timing isn’t right, right now. We haven’t even scratched the surface of how expensive children can be and we do not have the luxury of either of us being able to stay home full-time. We live in the 10th most expensive city in the United States and in a rather shaky economy. If I look at the economics of the question, the answer seems clear. I wonder if it’s just my biology – once that switch was flipped, that there is a part of me no longer able to see a new baby as anything other than an amazing idea. Should I start studying midwifery right now? Can I scratch the baby itch simply by holding a newborn in my arms? These are all questions I have.
Have any of you had this struggle within yourselves? This question of "Is my family complete?" Would love to hear from you. I know this is a private matter – private messages welcome also. [email protected]
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